Sep 17th, 2009
The Truth of Truly Detaching
I have a client (let’s call her Lori) who was in a relationship that was not serving her. Her boyfriend was disrespectful in many ways. He was always knocking her down instead of lifting her up. She kept thinking that he would eventually come around and put her at the top of his priority list. Yeah, right. Eventually, he broke up with her.
Lori got through the heartbreak and was better for it. As she moved forward with her life, she began excelling both personally and professionally.
The ex came up during our last call. Lori said, “I wish he could see me now because I am thriving in every way!” She wanted to show him that she is better off without him.
I can relate to this. We can all relate to this in some form or another. Maybe not in the form of an ex, but with someone in our life…A family member, boss or co-worker, etc. We’ve all had those people in our lives from which we craved and desired respect. (Respecting yourself is the basis of how respect from others naturally develops – a whole different topic and post.) Lori was dealing with an emotional spot that, at a couple of different times in my life, was very tender for me.
In dealing with certain people in this light, it is my experience that a combination of two basic things give way to complete detachment.
The truth of the matter is that if we wish that a certain someone could “see us now”, we are still attached. It means we care what they think about us. We feel the need to prove something. If we get satisfaction from proving to someone from our past that we are better without them – we are not truly free from that person.
It is only when you are genuinely indifferent that they know anything about you ever again.
So how the heck do you detach?
Well, to detach from them, you must fully attach to yourself and all you’re up to. You become your sole focus….your health, your career, your preferences, what feeds your soul, etc. That IS self development. That is also the basis of striving for personal excellence. As cheesy as it sounds – it all boils down to self love.
Become very interested in you. Become very interested and dedicated to the regular practice of this and then you are on the path that sets you free.
And time is on your side IF (big IF here!) you do become interested in self development. If you just float through life, no amount of time will completely free you.
SELF INTEREST + TIME = COMPLETE DETACHMENT
COMPLETE DETACHMENT = TRUE FREEDOM
Love this Post! On a practical level, I suggest that you take yourself out on dates, buy yourself flowers, completely indulge yourself in all those things that you wish to receive from others. When you can do this, then when that special someone does come into your life, it will be icing on the cake!
So true, Tonya! So true!
Melissa,
I love this! The concept of self love really is the basis of everything. In the past week, the topic of self love has come up in conversation after conversation, in articles I’ve read, and just about everywhere I look. It is so powerful. Thanks for articulating it again for me.
And Tonya is right on, loving yourself allows you to detach from the outcome and brings the love of another to your doorstep when you are truly ready.
Thanks Theresa! Glad I could add to the reoccurring theme of your week:)
I think this is really the definition of forgiveness. When you truly forgive (either others or yourself) it is the ultimate in self love. It is something you do for yourself even though your thoughts tell you you’re doing it for (or withholding it from) someone else. To forgive is to be free. It means you’re finally “detached” from the situation and really ready to move on. Love the post!!
It is so cool to hear other’s perspectives on this subject. I love how you tied in forgiveness here. Glad you like the post!
Hi Melissa…great post, really resonated so much with me..great timing. It was a friends 40th party last weekend, a mutual friend with my ex-fiance, and so for the first time in 3 years I encountered people from my ex-life. It was such a right of passage…I thought I would be nervous but I wasn’t. I was so authentically happy and myself that I really was genuinely indifferent to what they thought about me. It was wonderful and freeing and I had a fantastic time!
Hi Louise!! I’m glad it went so well! FREE…what a great feeling!
Great post Melissa. It really does start with how we treat ourselves doesn’t it?
Thanks
Jen
Yes, it does:) Good to hear from you Jen!
Hi…it’s LORI (I mean, Tiffany). Geesh…I was just thinking about my ex (whose name we won’t mention) this morning and finally admitted out loud that I do miss him and that I have not truly let go. Your blog is helping me to remember that I need to AUTHENTICALLY focus on myself and that this will help these feelings to dissolve a little more naturally. You rock!
You crack me up! Glad I could be of assistance:) You are so awesome and will be past all this sooner than later with the kind of focus that I know you are capable of. Got lots of love for you girl!